Finding My Voice

Dec 18, 2020

I was emailing with an old friend whom I have not seen in over 10 years and he shared a memory that I had forgotten, but it reminded me of the fear I had around singing with anyone around….

He wrote:

“I remember the night we went to Leanne’s house and I sang that Hebrew song. It was a peak experience for me. And sometime later we tried to sing in the car together and you wouldn’t because you told me that you did not feel safe singing around me because you didn’t feel good enough. You acknowledged that it was a program that was coming up. Remember any of that? I was sad that you did not feel safe to sing in front of or with me. I think we tried harmonizing Amazing Grace.”

It’s funny that my name is Angel(a) derived from the Greek word meaning “messenger from God”. I have always loved to sing, just not in front of anyone. A couple of years ago I was talking with my adult sons and referenced singing my favorite songs while taking them to school in the mornings. One of my sons, who is a musician now, rolled his eyes and said “yea mom and we know every word to every song of Alanis Morissette and the musical RENT!” He then proceeded to recite all the words to “Bitter little Pill” and the RENT song “Seasons of Love”. Those are kind of “girl songs” by the way. I felt proud that my sons were exposed to those songs and may have been positively influenced by it. He continued to scoff a little and claimed on those mornings, they were prisoners of my off key singing and that jokingly their ears bled. Really? THAT bad!

So I looked for a voice teacher and started taking lessons. It was a kick in the ol’ internal confidence ceiling as my voice teacher approached me kinesthetically (because I told her I learned best that way) with understanding and firmness. About 18 months went by and I feel sure I was a frustrating student with my inconsistent commitment to my lessons and homework. During the same time, I received a Harmonium as a gift and went the Kirtan Institute to train with a master trainer. This is where I learned to play and lead a Kirtan. A Kirtan is a gathering where participants join in singing Mantras. At the Institute is where I lead a chant for a group of loving understanding people including fellow students for the first time and heard my shaky voice, over a microphone.

A few months later, my voice teacher Alex asked me to perform, to actually lead her church’s congregation in a “Jesus Chant” with Harmonium accompaniment. I was flattered and in disbelief, so I set up a serious practice schedule. Eventually that Sunday arrived and nervous as a rabbit in a fox field, I sat down in front of the congregation and told my story of the creation of the music accompanying this mantra and the deeper meaning of the sanskrit words. A Mantra is a call and response structure and I invited this congregation to so something new. After the service, some congregates showered me with praise and appreciation, and the minister was genuinely grateful and asked me to please come back. My self critic didn’t think I was all that good and yet his and the congregates words of praise kicked my critic in the ass!

Just a few months later, I was leading the choir in two beautiful hymns and got a “kick in the vocal ass” from another voice coach who was on the piano that Sunday. She took me aside with minutes before we started and worked with my courage to lead beautifully trained chorus members in these Hymns. She didn’t hear my critic and pushed me to command my notes. I believe I was truly better that Sunday and graciously appreciated the praise after the service.

Recently, I received some hands-on energy work with a healer who was connecting heaven and earth through my throat area and clearing all the blocks there. During this, I had a vision of my guides and ancestors looking down at me with adoration like a baby. I began to chuckle uncontrollably and simultaneously tears rolled down my face. Then the face of my friend Iben showed up in this vision and she got next to my throat and opened her mouth as if to teach me to match my highest vibration with what comes out of my mouth (words, song…). At this point it made sense that my laughing was release and my tears were joy. I think that part of my prior hesitation to sing had been my deep knowing that my voice was NOT matching my higher vibration, so it sounded dysphonic and made me sad when I heard it.

According to my name, I was sent as a messenger with a message from heaven yet I have been diminishing the delivery and “dumbing down” the words and vibration to fit in and be understood. Who am I to judge what those around me will understand and by not speaking and singing from the highest vibration, I rob the listener of it’s intended message. So my intent now is to “tap in to the higher vibration”, receive it’s message and trust delivering it congruently as it is ; and those who hear it in their own way, will hear the message meant for them. And therefore I become the messenger I am meant to be.

My response to my friend’s email:

“WOW, you have a vivid memory bank! Holy Cow!, has it been a journey…FINDING MY VOICE…!

I am pretty sure you are tapped into my journey and were lead to bring forward your memory!

Thank you.”


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